Co-parenting after a divorce is rarely easy. Use these co-parenting tips to give your children stability, security, and good relationships with both you and their other parent.
Co-parenting well means separating the personal relationship you have with your ex from your co-parenting relationship. It can help to think of your relationships as a brand new one, that is all about the well-being of your children, and not about either of you.
The marriage might be over, but the family isn’t. Acting in the best interest of your children should be your most important priority. Always put your children’s needs ahead of your own.
Separate Feelings From Behavior
It’s natural to feel hurt after a divorce, but don’t let it dictate your behavior. Working together for your children should motivate your actions.
Try to get your feelings out elsewhere. Don’t vent to your child, no matter how angry or upset you are. Talk to your friends, a therapist, or your divorce or child support lawyer, but never your children.
If your feelings are getting the best of you, remember why you need to keep a lid on your feelings. The best interests of your children are at stake. If you’re feeling angry, think about your kids to help you calm down.
Never Put Your Children In The Middle
You might carry some bitterness about your divorce for a long-time, but try to keep in mind that this is your issue, and not your child’s. Keep your issues away from your children.
Never use your children as messengers. If you send messages to your co-parent through your children, it puts them in the middle of the conflict. Keep your child out of your relationship issues, so contact your ex directly.
Don’t say anything negative about your ex in front of your child, or make them feel that they need to choose between you. Your child has the right to have a relationship with both of you.
Communicate Effectively
Approach the relationship in a business-like manner. Speak to your ex in the same way that you would a colleague. Speak with respect and neutrality.
Instead of making statements, which can come across as demands, try to frame what you want as a request. These could start with phrases like ‘would you be willing to’, or ‘can we try’.
Make sure you listen. Even if you disagree, you should at least try to show that you’re taking in and understand what their point of view is. Listening doesn’t mean you have to approve, so you have nothing to lose by just listening.
You’re going to have to be able to communicate with your ex for the rest of your child’s childhood, if not for longer. Work to teach yourself not to overreact to what your ex does, and you should eventually be able to learn not to react to them, whatever buttons they try to push.
Try to commit to talking consistently. It might be hard to do at first, but communicating regularly will show your children that you and your ex are still a united front when it comes to parenting. Keep your conversations about your children.
It might seem impossible to stay calm when you’re dealing with an ex-spouse who is difficult or has hurt you, but it can help to practice some stress relief techniques to keep your cool, no matter what happens.
Be Consistent
It’s a good idea to expose your children to some different perspectives and teach them to be flexible. However, they also need to know that they will be living under the same expectations and rules, regardless of which parent they’re with. Try to be consistent between both your homes so your children don’t get confused.
You don’t have to have exactly the same rules between your two households, but it’s a good idea to agree with your spouse on some rules that be consistent between both. This means your children don’t have to adapt between two very different disciplinary environments. Agree on the big things like homework, curfews, and any activities that are off-limits.
Agree on what the consequences are for your children for broken rules, even if the misbehavior didn’t happen in your home. For example, if your child broke a rule at your ex’s house and has had their TV privileges revoked, follow through with this at your home too. Agree on how you’ll reward good behavior too.
Try to keep your children’s schedules consistent. Keeping meals, homework, and bedtimes at a similar time in both your homes can do a lot to help your children adjust.
